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Funniest TV Quotes 2015 January 10, 2016

Posted by ronannarbor in TV.
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As usual, my disclaimer: I have not seen every single tv show in the world!…But these are my favorite funny quotes of the year from the shows that I DO watch…

 

“Im calling double BS — I haven’t called double BS since the “cleared history” dispute of 2012” — Marry Me

 

 

 

“We have more people coming to our door than a moderately attractive hooker at Comic Con” – 2 Broke Girls

 

“Who threw my painting in the toilet? (pointing at moat)” – Galavant

 
“He went into ‘The Enchanted Forest’ and never came out”
“Um, the other way around” — Galavant 

 

 

“I love that you’re alive – that is one of my favorite things about you” – The Muppets 

 

‘It’s not fair…the people who never go crowd out the people who sometimes go…We’re going to end up in the second overflow room…it’s church jail” – The Middle

 

“If there was a list of things that made me more comfortable, “Lists” would be on the top of that list” — The Big Bang Theory

 

“I think you’ve said everything you wanted to say, and maybe a few things you didn’t” – The Muppets

 

“Wait a minute, Im getting outta here to take care of desperately not wanting to be here” – The Librarians

 

“They broke up two months ago. His partner Jamarkus got all of his friends, and Raymond got all the confidence to go shopping in his pajamas” — Modern Family

 

“Whenever I hear anyone sing like that I suffer a headache from a severe medical condition I have called “ears” — Undateable

 

‘it’s why I left England…it reminded me too much of her…cold, gloomy, and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel” – The Big Bang Theory

 

“Miss Piggy does not intimidate me…In Wild, I did my own walking…so…” – Reese Witherspoon, The Muppets

 

“What is this, Downtown (sic) Abbey?” — The Middle

 

“I didn’t fight in two wars to tell my daughter what to do…you tell her for me” — Life in Pieces

 

“She crazy” — Modern Family

 

“Let’s face it. We played sex chicken and lost.” — The Middle

 

“We’ve only been roommates for one week and I have already befouled your kitchen” — Sleepy Hollow

 

“How very Miss Havisham” — Zoo

“We are like parental beater-cars.” – The Middle

 

“I can’t believe I am saying this for only the second time in 7 years of marriage, but please put the gun down” — Modern Family

“Can you do your job overseas?” — Life in Pieces
“I once saw her lift a piano to get a half-eaten Moon Pie” – The Muppets
 
“What is wrong with this family?”
“That is not a question we are going to delve into tonight” – The Middle
“I don’t want to burden you with my problems, but I think I have outgrown my boat” – Modern Family 
“I wish your mother would shove a sandwich into my pants” — Life in Pieces

 

“Does it ever get cold on the moral highground?” – Downton Abbey

 

“From this moment forward you shall be my work-husband” – Kevin from Work

 

“You make my life a bacon-wrapped hell on Earth” –The Muppets

 

“I could have saved him” — Sharknado 3

 

“Bitter Party of One, Bitter Party of One” — Descendents

 

“Trust me…once you let go of hope, it’s very freeing” –The Middle

 

“This is Palo Alto…People go crazy about people who smoke…we don’t enjoy the freedoms you do in China…where people smoke all the time” — Silicon Valley

 

“God bless America, and its magnificent Broadcasting Company”  – The Muppets, on ABC

 

“Just let it be…and let it be not in our house” — The Middle

 

“Athlete of the Month? What? Was it a written test? Cause that has been discussed.” — The Middle

 

“Did this Hooli phone piss off anyone else?”
“Is it Vista bad? Zune Bad? Apple Maps bad?” — Silicon Valley

 

 

“As much as it scares me to go into international cuisine I have to say chop suey intrigues me” — Sue Hecht on career choices…The Middle

 

“I bit my tongue because in this family they think I’m a Columbian hothead, which is crazy because a Columbian hothead is when you set somebody’s head on fire. Smells terrible, but it sends a message” — Modern Family

 

“Shit no, I’m not afraid of the lawsuit. I have three nannies suing me right now, one for no reason” — Silicon Valley

 

Frankie — “Give me a minute she feels insignificant”
Mike — “We all do!” — The Middle

 

 

“The Year of Sue is turning into the Year of Suck” — The Middle

 

“Oh my God, that’s a 500 dollar bottle of wine…that’s like 100 bottles of your wine” — Modern Family

 

Wedding Dress Clerk: “That dress is one of a kind”
Caroline (relieved): “Oh, so you only have one?”
Wedding Dress Clerk: “No, we have two” — 2 Broke Girls

 

 

“My gaydar is very sensitive — in fact, I need to move it away from you right away before it explodes” — Modern Family

 

“Great party — the only think that would make it better would be if Batman made an appearance, but I heard Batman’s mother made him return the costume” —The Middle

 

“Bro’s disclose…bro him back!” — Silicon Valley

 

“Are you feeling well? Do you need protein?” – Silicon Valley

 

“I said we had to meet clandestinely…instead I see you brought the entire Charming softball team, and their Pirate mascot” — Once Upon a Time

 

“Looks like someone had an appointment at the Angry Salon for a mad-icure” – The Middle

 

“Life’s a journey….no flash photography” – The Middle

 

“If you are brewing tea, don’t bother – your stuffed animals called and said they can’t make the party” – Undateable

 

“Do we have to keep every remote we’ve ever owned?” [presses button]…Somewhere in a landfill a laserdisc just ejected.” -Modern Family

 

 

“This is worse than the class-hamster hostage standoff” – Cougar Town

“What’s going on with you? We already have one weird kid, that slot is filled” — The Middle
“Cruella Deville”
“Nobody calls me that here”
“Cruella Feinberg doesn’t have the same ring to it” – Once Upon a Time
Manny: “I promise to bring back the bike”
Girl on Street: “Aww, that’s what you said about my mom’s humidifier” — Modern Family
“This is my margarita pool”
“Oh, do you swim in it?”
“I swim in it, I drink it…there’s really no wrong way to use a margarita pool” – Last Man on Earth
“Your outfit is perfect if you are applying to lumberjack school…and majoring in having your cats eat you when you die” — Modern Family
“How does she breast feed him if she doesn’t let him near plastic?” Modern Family
“And these awards are presented to you for, well, let’s call it work” – 2 Broke Girls
“What do you think of the baby name Fimonique?”
“Um, closer, but no.” — The Mindy Project

 

 

“Why are you running behind me? Are you trying to run away from that body spray you have on?”

“It’s McConaughey by McConaughey for Men” — The Middle

 

“I’ve never seen Andy this sad…he looks like a cross between my childhood Saint Bernards and a Cuban Eeyore” – Cougar Town

 

“I raised two fully competent children”

“do you have two children I haven’t met?” Modern Family

 

“I threaten to quit every week and you never gave me a going away party…except for a couple times” — The Mindy Project

 

“I’m a stay-at-home mom with a full-time nanny…I get up to stuff” — Cougar Town

 

“Your secret is safe-ish with me” – The Mindy Project

 

“I’ve been television cheating for years…Kevin likes to ask questions while we’re watching tv, and I like not beating him with a hammer when he does so” — Marry Me

 

“Lets leave him alone and see what he can become…he’s in his 30’s so probably nothing” — Mindy Project

 

“Gal, can I call you Gal?”

“Well, I don’t love it”

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Sorry, I don’t always listen when you talk” — Galavant

 

“Okay, let’s go save that jumper”

“Too late, he’s dead”

“Okay let’s go get a hotdog” –Marry Me

 

“Someone is framing the Western Dragons…see, the things that pop out of my mouth don’t even bother me anymore” — The Librarians

 

“Maybe Your Not the Worst Thing Ever” — Galavant song

 

“There’s a version in here in which you don’t have to be angry at me because I am so angry at myself” – Marry Me

 

“How long should I wait to accept a friend request?”

“Oh, you should jump on that, it could have been a mistake” — The Middle

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Funniest TV quotes of 2014 December 22, 2014

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As usual, my disclaimer is that I have not seen every single tv show on this year though I manage to catch all the “biggies” — here in no particular order is my annual compilation of the funniest tv quotes of the year for 2014….

“Every girl in New York needs a gay best friend, and apparently so does my husband” — Manhattan Love Story

 

“If you can’t see it from space it ain’t worth doing” — The Great Christmas Light Fight

 

“I didn’t go to Vermont…its far and I’m not a lesbian” — 2 Broke Girls

 

“I’m working on this recommendation for Dr. Lahiri and I wonder if you know any adjectives besides the word Indian” — The Mindy Project

 

“We have to settle this King Moonracer business” – The Middle

 

“Don’t act weird…just act normal…only a little bit better” — The Middle

 

“You’re acting like a crazy spinster and I didn’t expect that from you for another two years” – The Mindy Project

 

“At a certain age you have to stop being enthused by life” — The Middle

 

“That’s a magical Christmas coin — I hand them out to people who might otherwise have a crappy Christmas” — Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever

 

“Baby, I love you, and I’m also somewhat ashamed of you” — Marry Me

 

“Write that sentence down, and hand it to your therapist” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

“I’m sweating like Shia LaBeouf at a DUI checkpoint” – 2 Broke Girls

“We have children, flying, a dog, and Christopher Walken….what could go wrong? — Christian Borle, The Making of NBC’s Peter Pan

 

“It is so confusing and yet so you!” —  Sue to Brad, The Middle

 

“Ugh, I don’t believe that horoscope stuff…you’re going to be rich, you’re going to be famous…not one says you’re going to be a 75 year old cashier” — 2 Broke Girls

 

“And you wonder why I have no ladies maid, and no butler” — Downton Abbey

 

“I know how much you loved it when I had a full head of hair”

“When we got married you had 4 more hairs than you do now, this is not a surprise to me” — Modern Family

 

“I heard your truck pull up, but I’m not sure I want to accept your package anymore” — 2 Broke Girls

 

“I found success because of my boundless talent” — Castle

 

“I want to thank your boyfriend Andrew for encouraging me to grieve in my own way so I did a bunch of shrooms…so now you’re going to have to deliver the eulogy” — A to Z

 

“I thought this was the key to his heart…but apparently he made duplicates” – The Middle

 

“This is Chicago not…wait…I can’t think of anything colder than Chicago” — Marry Me

 

“He needs to know Sup” — Selfie

 

“I mean, come on, I blame my dads…hey, they named me after a musical” — Annie, Marry Me

 

Penny: “Nobody says they hate you to your face”

Amy: “You and I have led such different lives!” — The Big Bang Theory

 

“I can not go back to England, I’ve forgotten all the words” — The Mindy Project

 

“She doesn’t like me because I have a perfectly symmetrical face and hair like Ariel” — Selfie

 

“Principles are like prayers; noble of course, but awkward at a party” – Downton Abbey

 

“Sue, we know how calendars work”

“Apparently we don’t” — The Middle

 

“Why are we bothering with this? Just move her to a bell tower in Paris and call it a day” – The Middle

 

“They’re pornographers…but they’re also a family” — The New GIrl

 

“I’m wearing my Google glasses…I am looking at you but I am also ordering Tapioca Pudding on Amazon” — 2 Broke Girls

 

“Yeah, that’s why he’s a billionaire, because he knows when and how to be an asshole…if you’re not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes” — Silicon Valley

 

“You are like a parfait of dysfunction” –Bad Teacher

 

“Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between depression and being Swedish” — Welcome to Sweden

 

“Emma, I’d like to show you my backstage area sometime” — Gene Simmons, Welcome to Sweden

 

“there’s a lot of sharks up there, still” — Sharknado 2: The Second One

 

“We’re looking at sharks falling at up to 2 feet an hour until they swim off northeast” — Sharknado II

 

“just keep walking if you don’t give a crap” (girl keeps walking)…Undateable

 

“I’m a rollerblade dancer…I used to be a hair dresser and I just didn’t like it” —Juan Carlos,  America’s Got Talent

 

“We’re going to be fine…we have a great name, a great team, and a great logo” –Silicon Valley

 

“Well, that’s new” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

“You missed a wild party last night — there must have been 12 girls there, it was crazy!” – Silicon Valley

 

Justin: “Friends are not someone who are supposed to lie for each other, they are supposed to help make each other better people”

Danny: “I am going to ask you something and I want you to be 100% honest with me — are you a Care Bear?” — Undateable

 

“There’s no way I can beat you and your incredible tap legs” — The Middle

 

“It stirs such complex emotions I can’t put it into words…so I made up my own word to describe it…”awwww-Blech!!” — Cougar Town

 

“We need to do what any animal in nature does when it’s cornered; act erratically and blindly lash out at everything around us” — Silicon Valley

 

“Rides are more fun than I thought! It turns out they are filled with signs, and they are all in different fonts!” — Brick, The Middle at WDW

 

“You two exhaust me” – Lily referring to Cam and Mitchell, Modern Family

 

“Marriages fail because of poor communication, and poorness, and sexy assistants, and diminished returns, and letting yourself go, and GMO’s and HBO, and Catherine Zeta-Jones” — Dalia on Suburgatory

 

“Do you think Zuckerberg had any real-life experience when he was running Facebook at the age of 19? No, none…but he was such a tough negotiator that now all of his friends are suing him” — Silicon Valley

 

“Sadly, red leather jackets don’t come into vogue here until, well, ever” — Once Upon a Time

 

Tessa: “Why did you agree to let Dahlia be your Queen of Honor?”

Lisa: “Because she graciously volunteered to donate all the china, silverware, glassware and spirits”

Dahlia: “And also to perform “Suddenly Seymour…it’s in my range” — Suburgatory

 

“I will not be manipalated” — The Middle

 

“I once staged A Chorus Line on a subway platform when our company lost its space — I can make any space work” — Castle

 

“This is not a date, I’m inviting you over for dinner to thank you for helping me…do you like baloney sandwiches?”

“I do not”

“Then what the hell DO you like?” — The Mindy Project

 

“You seem so quiet…are you upset? Or are you just rebooting?” – The Big Bang Theory

 

“Oh my God…it’s like a cognac ad in here” – The Mindy Project

 

Brick: “Dad, you just don’t get it because you don’t have a creative job”

Mike: “You don’t either!” — The Middle

 

“Another time, another place…another guy, another girl”…2 Broke Girls

 

“With her grades, Dalia is better qualified for junior college…or the Bling Ring” — Suburgatory

 

“With the Xbox One I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands…up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard” — The Big Bang Theory

 

“You can’t die — you have too much to live for. My birthday’s coming up. We haven’t even talked about what you’re going to get me” — The Mindy Project

 

“Poor thing, he’s always getting knocked out, isn’t he?” — Agents of SHIELD

 

“No good can come from examining your life” — The Middle

 

“Oh, wow, I would love to see that, but I am going to stay at home and not see that” — About a Boy

 

“Yup, it wouldn’t be prom if some poor Hecht didn’t end up going with Weird Ashley” — The Middle

 

“Ugh, I am such a slob…oh, I have been robbed!” — The Mindy Project

 

“Oh, Fred, can you believe how moist and drippy these cookies are?” — Suburgatory

 

“I heard you twice, the first time” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

“If I come out, will you shoot me? Because then I won’t come out” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

“Mom, you were watching me make out? Ew, what are you, my Science teacher?” – Surviving Jack

 

“They’re the only thing worse than family…they’re other people’s family” — The Crazy Ones

 

“Why is this flask always empty? What do I have to do to get some melon liqueur in here?” — Josh Groban, The Crazy Ones

 

“Danny, why are your lips so scrumptious?”

“I don’t know, they just are…” — The Mindy Project

 

“So my girlfriend gave me this painting I don’t understand and said it explains everything”

“Ooh, I once broke up with a boyfriend with a sculpture”

“Did he understand it?”

“Well, I threw it at him, so I think he got the point.” — The Middle

 

“Who in the hell stuck a quarter in you?…Can you please stop talking??” — Surviving Jack

 

Snow White: “They are being turned into flying monkeys?”

Captain Hook: “They took on simian form with the added bonus of wings” — Once Upon a Time

 

“A ninja stole the murder weapon…oh yeah!” — Castle

 

“I don’t know what to say…”

“Nothing is a good option” — Cougar Town

 

“I guarantee to find you true love….but read your contracts because true love is not guaranteed” — Suburgatory

 

“How does my suit fit you better than me?

“Scissors” — Cougar Town

 

“We are going to Brady this situation right now” — The Middle

 

“I can’t go there because it doesn’t have wifi so I can’t check how many “likes” I am getting, and I don’t like not knowing how many “Likes” I’m getting.” — Suburgatory

 

“New York? How does she like it? Based on the t-shirts I’ve seen people really seem to love it” — Cougar Town

 

“Andy is either never around, which sucks, or he completely bails, which blows….so as a friend Andy either sucks or blows” — About a Boy

 

“Do you ever wonder who these people are? Where they are going? What their story is?”

“No”

“Good, me either.” — Cougar Town

 

“I just got back from Sundance…I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies” — Two Broke Girls

 

“He’s got his father’s eyes and his father’s boyfriend’s love of dance” — The Crazy Ones

 

“That’s just a story you use to pick up chicks…like “I’m a Russian Prince” or “That was a good story” — Two Broke Girls

 

“I’ve been lonely in my room,  a mirror will make me feel like I have a friend”

“Argh, your daughter is a Parakeet” — Modern Family

 

“This is the crappiest intervention anyone has thrown me…and I’ve had a few.” — Mom

 

“Alright…this is now officially…outstanding” — Castle

 

“The mascara is part of the mystique of Ice Dancing”

“They’re really bringing it…with the costumes…in this event”

“they were a bit off in synchronicity, and they were a bit slow in the transitions, but they were entertaining and that has to count for something” — Johnny Weir, Olympic commentary

 

“I think someone in the building died, because one day in the dumpster there were just clothes that fit me” – The New GIrl

 

“We learned a lot…I learned that if you’re really bad at doing something they will finally stop asking you to do it” — The Middle

 

“Can someone, who is not me, please go deal with that?” — The Mindy Project

 

“Nick, I never thought I’d say this, but, I need to be alone with Prince” — The New GIrl

 

“Embrace denial it will make you feel better…and when you turn 21 embrace beer” –The Middle

 

“How did she ever get you to do Yoga?”

“To be honest, I thought she said Yoda” — The Big Bang Theory

 

“It’s Science Academy…look no signs of athleticism or muscle definition”

“No marching in place, no IQ’s in double-digits”– The Agents of SHIELD

 

“I used to have an advice column in Poland. It was called “Don’t do that!” — Two Broke Girl

 

“As long as you’re a Pistons fan, the tap is off” — The New Girl

 

“I’m afraid your your mother is being even more of herself” — Suburgatory

 

 

 

Funniest Television Quotes 2013 December 28, 2013

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So — here they are, in no particular order — my funniest tv quotes of 2013….

“I am an actor — I know everything there is to know about writing.” – Dont Trust the Bitch in apt 23

Lilly: ” I’m not paying 400 dollars for room service the hooker ordered”

Barney: “Ive been there” — HIMYM

“What? All of a sudden Christmas is about family??” — The Middle

“I asked her for a hand with a job…she misunderstood…so I went with it.” — The Crazy Ones

“If you can put that bulldozer back where you found it, we need you to suit up” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“He’s married? How could you tell? He doesn’t wear a ring and doesn’t look dead inside” — 2 Broke Girls

“What is Diaper Glossner doing here??”  – The Middle

“Okay, Dolphins, Is this a “we” activity or an “I” activity??”

“We,We,We,We,We,We,We,We”

“There, now we sound like dolphins” — Modern Family

“I’m sure you’ll make…well, a mother of some sort” — Once Upon a Time

“Oh my God, she’s on a flip phone — she’s either poor or she’s a time traveler” — The New Girl

“I’ve decided to give up the ladies for a bit”

“Ooh,well that’s bad news for anyone selling pepper spray” — Rules of Engagement

“Anyone can be professionally styled to look good in a photo — I’ve done it myself about ten times at the mall”. — The Mindy Project

“A change in mood is the number one symptom for everything….Parade Magazine had an article about it.” — The Middle

“I can’t lie to that face…you’re like a baby who shaves” — The Crazy Ones

“I love when you get angry…and I mean at others, not me” — Castle

“Pain is temporary, crying hurts you the rest of your life” — Back in the Game

“Switzerland has everything to offer except perhaps conversation…and one can learn to live without that” — Downton Abbey

“He’s a much better singer than a stalker, and he’s a pretty good stalker” — The Crazy Ones

“My body is very attracted to your body, but when you speak my brain gets angry” — The Mindy Project

“This is what happens when we drink…we sign up for stupid committees… or get Brick” — The Middle

“What do you say to a woman when you want to make love to her?”…”Do you accept checks?” — The Crazy Ones

“Sweets is taking a leave of absence because he feels he’s lost touch with his original motivation for being a Psychologist”
“I thought he was a Psychologist because he had sub-standard math skills” — Bones
“Have Fun in Hawaii”
“I’ll bring you back a plastic lei”
“I thought your mother was in Europe” — The Crazy Ones
“You talk like a jock, but your jock-walk’s a crock” — Super fun night
“The attackers are invisible? How cool!…um, but terrible” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D
“When you talk like that I am tempted to ring for Nanny and have you put straight to bed” — Downton Abbey
“Everyone hates their jobs, its why there are alcohol salesman…its the circle of life” — Back in the Game
“Indiana Jones is completely superfluous to the story — without him, the Nazi’s still find the ark, open it, and all die.” — Big Bang Theory
“Im sorry, I find it challenging to accessorize for a date to hell” — The Mindy Project
“Don’t you know what “sultry” means?”
“They’re models they don’t know what anything means” — The Crazy Ones
“You got a problem with Poppins, you have a problem with me” — Manny, Modern Family
“There can be too much truth in any relationship” — Downton Abbey
“Do you want to hear something interesting?’
“Not especially” — The Middle
“How do I get her to stop talking to me??”
“Marry her” — The Crazy Ones
“There’s a lot of hate between us.”
“Actually I quite fancy you from time to time when you’re not yelling at me” – Hook to Emma, Once Upon a Time
“If I get another ticket they are going to make me wear eyeglasses” — The New Girl
“Where can I get a new flip-phone”
“Um, let me think…Guatemala” — 2 Broke Girls
“Did you see my car?”
“Yeah, I bet its a real hooker-magnet” — Back in the Game

“You can’t teach how to write”

“Not True”

“And I say that as a writer”

“Also not true” — The New Girl

 

“I am not two timing…I’m one timing with two women” — The New girl

“I’m afraid that now when we have a real sharknado everyone’s going to treat it like a joke” — BJ Novak

“The water’s rising — I’m going to go up to the bridge and repel down” — Sharknado

“You, me, and my mom have got tickets to see Debbie Reynolds in Sugar Babies!” – The Middle

“Yellow pants for mothers day? Did anyone hear me say yellow pants?” — The Middle

“Oh, so now its snooping, wanting to know more about your family by looking through their personal things?” – Modern Family

Becket: Who is this guy?

Castle: I’m going to go with Government Assassin. — Castle

“Thank you Curious Cat, you get me” — The Middle

Axl: You are the worst mother ever!

Frankie: Oh, tell me something I don’t know. — The Middle

“I’m not good at big decisions”

“Are you sure you want to be a judge?” — HIMYM

“Better than most and Excellent are two different things” — Elementary

“I thought this was a hoedown, but if this is a drivers-license-down then I will just go somewhere else” — The Middle

“I’ve never known Sue Heck to give up after just 5 tries” — Rev Tim Tom, The Middle

“What are you doing, stalking me?”

“We prefer the term “Obsessive American” — Happy Endings

“Do you mind writing that offer on a small slip of paper and then sliding it to me like in a 80’s business movie?” — The Mindy Project

“Nobody settles things with tennis matches anymore — its not the 80’s”  – Happy Endings

“I never thought I’d be on a tv show where nobody was yelling ‘You’re not the father!'” — 2 Broke Girls

“They cant just cancel a season on a cliffhanger…Firefly followed it up with a movie…Buffy and the Vampire Slayer followed it up with comic books…Heroes lowered the quality season by season so we were just greatful it ended” — Big Bang theory

“Keeping Portland weird” — Grimm

“You’ve heard of Doctors Without Borders — well we were Nurses Without Credentials” — 2 Broke Girls

“I assume he didn’t start stripping as a child”

“Well, at least not professionally” — Bones

“Jason Bourne called…he says he remembers more things than you” – Happy Endings

“We hooked up once…and then only twice…and then one more time” — The Mindy Project

“We’ll go when we’re good and ready…which is now because I’ve been ready to go for quite some time” — Happy Endings

“You’re awfully salty about that….” — The New Girl

“Redheads in particular can be skittish” – Suburgatory

“They were just two kids doing Shakespeare in the park and each other in the parking lot” — Happy Endings

“The only thing that scares me more than snakes is warewolves, and fortunately they are only in Europe” — Cougar Town

“I can imagine us, one day, being friend-like…” Tessa to Dahlia, Suburgatory

“I’m not controlling…I’m aggressively helpful” — Happy Endings

“in Poland, this is the time of year that the snow melts and all our dead relatives float back to us” — Two Broke Girls

“Lots of things blow up in your face…that’s part of being a woman” — Two Broke Girls

“Please don’t overdose…if your not famous, its just sad” — Whitney

“When you see the future, there is irony everywhere” — Rumplestilskin, Once Upon a Time

“You should definitely tell that story when you host The White Trash awards” — Cougar Town

“Who knew Marty was such a fan of powders?…and now, ironically, he himself is a powder” — Suburgatory

“Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis — direct quote, Scott Caan” – The New Girl

“That’s what family is — people who hate you but can’t kill you because they’ll be the first ones questioned” — 2 Broke Girls

“Wow, she’s kind of a monster, but she gave me free stuff, so I’m torn” — 2 Broke GIrls

“My dear you flatter me, which is just as it should be” — Downton Abbey

“Plus the cast of Prometheus will explain what the heck was going on there” – Seth MacFarlane, The Academy Awards

My secret admirer requested me to wear a hat with a feather in it…I’m like, “which one” — Manny, Modern Family

“I’ve been tied up in bed, and not in the good way.” — Hook, Once Upon a Time

“That was nice making people feel bad about themselves, if even for a few minutes”…CougarTown

Amy: “You’re a coward”

Sheldon: “Well, the evidence would support that.” — The Big Bang Theory

“Damnit, Bradley, why can’t you do this? You went to drama camp for Christ sakes”…Bradley, The Middle

“Look at us, we’re like ‘Homeland’ if it was a rom-com” — The New Girl

“He’s like my dad mixed with my mom mixed with my other dads” — Whitney

“I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again” – Big Bang Theory

“Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time they are voting online. The good news is that Les Miz has gotten a lot of votes for best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave” — Jimmy Fallon Late Night

“Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown bag over my face, and when the alcohol is all gone I feel much better” — Ellen

“Hold on, hold on…who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen?” — 2 Broke Girls

“Dad, we have to go to the mall”

“The Lincoln Memorialy one, or the real one?” — 1600 Penn

“Shy? You told him I’m shy? I’m not shy! If anything, I’m “stoic” — The Middle

“If this works, I can repopulate it with has-beens and sell it to Fox…BeachHouse!”  — The New Normal

“That’s the murder victim’s body guard!…she’s net very good at her work” — Castle

“Is this couch a pod, cause we, sir, are two peas in it”  – Don’t Trust the B

“I’m sorry I say a lot of things I don’t really mean – like “Ill pay you back” or “I’m good to drive” — Happy Endings

“If you are going to start to compare wands and hammers, I can’t even take you guys seriously” — The Big Bang Theory

“Morons don’t get enough respect” — AFV

“Why the heck would you need water when we have orange and purple Fanta right here?” — The New Normal

Laurie: Matthew McConaughey plays the same guy in every movie.

Grayson: McConaughaters gotta hate ….. Cougar Town

CALM law not being enforced and not being followed by TV stations October 6, 2013

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Remember last December when the CALM act was passed?….That law that says that television commercials can not be played at higher decibels than the actual tv show?….

Well, it worked for about two weeks, and then it was universally ignored by almost all television stations and its next to impossible to enforce.

It appears that the law is only enforced if consumers file complaints to the government (the same one that can’t manage to come up with a budget or get anything else done for that matter), similar to the Do Not Call list — and we all know how well that works.

Filing a complaint is ridiculously hard — you can’t just report the tv station and the show, you have to list every single commercial, the time, the date, the show, the station, etc….its nearly impossible to file the complaint unless you sit in front of your tv and log every single piece of data over the course of an hour — and frankly, nobody is doing it.

So the CALM act basically went out the window.  And there’s your random Tidbit for tonight (as I sit watching ABC Family and the commercials are easily twice as loud as the movie I’m watching as judged by the number of marks I need to decrease the volume during commercials on my remote.)

To file a violation complaint, see this website and links to the correct websites:

http://usgovinfo.about.com/b/2012/12/16/how-to-file-loud-tv-commercial-complaints.htm

 

How to watch Downton Abbey Season 4 in the USA before January September 28, 2013

Posted by ronannarbor in Entertainment, Gizmos, TV.
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As you are probably aware, the hit British series Downton Abbey airs in the US beginning in January, though the new episodes are currently showing in the UK. These are streamed for 28 days following each showing, but you can’t access the players from the US as it is “locked out”.

Until now.

With the program “Tunnelbear”, you can (for a nominal cost, either 5.00  monthly or 49.00 once per year) trick your PC or Mac into presenting itself as whatever country you want. You can get it here: http://tunnelbear.com

You simply download, install, and when you are ready to watch Downton Abbey (or other British shows) you click the “on” button in your menu for the program, and turn to the country you want.

Then go to https://www.itv.com/itvplayer/downton-abbey/ — click on the episode you want, and viola!

Note: This is the program that I use (there are also Apps for the iPhone and the iPad and for Android devices) and your use of this software is subject to your own security precautions. Works fine on the Mac. There are also other streaming video sites that allow you to watch, but this one seems to be the “cleanest” and easiest by far.

NOTE: turn OFF your mail (especially if you are using gmail or have mail push enabled) on your computer and your mobile devices until after you are done viewing — it will send out security alerts to Gmail in particular which will cause you to reset your passwords. JUST TURN IT OFF UNTIL DONE. After you have finished with Tunnelbear and turned it off  you an reconnect to your mail and you are good to go. You’ve been warned.

 

Sharknado is a howlfest and not to be missed (Review…kind of) July 20, 2013

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Screen Shot 2013-07-20 at 8.58.39 PM

Its hard to review SyFy’s (to be fair, The Asylum’s) Sharknado without giving away most of what happens in the movie — so if you don’t like spoilers, don’t read ahead…just watch it next time it is on. Its actually a movie that can’t really be reviewed because the schlock-factor is so bad, its like watching live action MST3K in your living room with your own family doing the play by play. I am so glad I DVR’d this so I could watch it over and over (7 times so far). Its possibly the best bad movie ever made. Ed Wood would be proud.

Let me preface this by saying I loved this movie, for all the wrong reasons, or maybe the right ones. I couldn’t stop laughing from beginning to end — and in a good way. The production values, as high as they are for a movie of this ilk, range from superb to horrendous. As does the acting, Wait, what am I saying, you can’t review the acting. Even the actors knew they were immune from critical review in this stinkbomb, so they could do all the overacting and/or deadpanning that they wanted.

Led by superstar Ian Ziering and later featuring superstar Tara Reid, they act, react, swim, climb, look scared, look dumb, look sexy, look anywhere but at the camera for fear of laughing on screen. You know you are in for a treat when there are lines like “The water’s rising – I’m going to go up to the bridge and repel down”.

Here’s the scoop — The movie starts with a scene that takes place on a boat at sea (obviously filmed on several different boats) where some criminal types are making dealings about shark meat — though it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the rest of the movie — and they get eaten anyway. Then this waterspout picks up a school of swarming sharks and carries them on land in LA where they swim in the sewers, enter houses, swim on highways, and defy gravity to leap into the air on repelling equipment. Sharks apparently can get very firm grips on nylon rope.

There’s a scene in which sharks attack swimmers in one foot of water. Later, sharks attack people in parked cars in one foot of water. It doesn’t come to anyone’s mind to just walk over them. The good guys race around in a traffic-less LA in first a Jeep, and then a Hummer. Later they hurl homemade bombs into the tornados and save human kind. And gladly so, because a sequel based in NYC has already been ordered by SyFy from The Asylum.

The Asylum (featured in Wired not long ago) churns out two schlocky sci-fi/horror/cheese flicks like this a month, so there’s a lot of great stuff you can pick up on SyFy, rapidly becoming my go-to tv channel when there is nothing decent on tv. This is the company that brought you Titanic II, so it should tell you something about the quality of these films.

But watching Sharknado is mesmerizing — it gets funnier and funnier as it goes along, complete with a howler at the end of the movie that you seriously need to make sure you have set your drink down before reaching — I won’t give it away, but it involves a toy chainsaw and finding a character you thought was already dead. My dog stared at me as if I was demented as I howled out load with laughter.

But there are plenty of other similar howlers along the way — you can’t take your eyes off the screen for a minute for fear of missing something outlandishly ridiculous. Watch the amazing editing from stock footage — in a scene “filmed” on a helicopter with a raging tornado outside, the view downward shows a full Hollywood Bowl of audience watching a concert. This is the same kind of stock footage that revealed the Queen Mary (standing in for Titanic II) at port in palm-tree-lined LA when supposedly in the Atlantic in that film.

But nothing compares to Sharknado in the classic film department. Its legen, wait for it, dary. Film classes will be studying this disaster-flic’s ineptitude, and having a laugh riot along the way. Please please do yourself a favor — DVR the movie when it next appears (7/27 on SyFyD and 8/22 on SyFy, but I bet other screenings will be added before those) because you will want to see this one over and over and over (without commercials, it runs about 85 minutes of pure cinematic delight).

What I learned from Smash (if I didn’t know anything about theater) May 27, 2013

Posted by ronannarbor in Broadway Musicals, musical theater, TV.
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If I didn’t know anything about theater, Broadway, or musical theater, here is what I would have taken away from the now-cancelled series SMASH which ended its run last night on NBC:

The girl that doesn’t act, look, sing, or dance like Marilyn will get cast as Marilyn because she was on American Idol.

Everyone lives in the theater district in NYC: nobody drives a car, let alone goes home to New Jersey at the end of the night. All cast members walk to work, they don’t take the subway, busses, taxis, or bikes. Nobody has to take the train home to Flushing, Westchester, or anywhere else for that matter. A few of the cast might live as far away as Dumbo in Brooklyn. They walk there.

The director makes all hiring and firing decisions, and he can decide what you will do on the Tonys without notifying anyone, in fact, he can make any changes he wants even seconds before the performance on live TV.

You can fully cast a multi-million dollar musical before you even have a script and score ready to go (although I guess Motown the Musical might have proven this to be true).

The director sleeps with every woman he wants to cast. Its just the way it goes. In fact the director sleeps with women.

Out of town theaters can become available for a pre-Broadway tryout with one phone call. They can have a full house at the first preview just three days later, including newspaper coverage.

You can move a mediocre off-Broadway show to Broadway, because theaters are instantly available, and you can do so overnight.

When a new director takes over a show, mostly he is in charge of how to make scene changes happen during intermission, and the union crew is available at his beck and call.

The new girl gets the role, even when not right for it, because she has “that certain something”.

A big finish will help them forget what came before — especially when its set to practically the same tune as the finale for Catch Me If You Can.

A major broadway director will drop everything and go to the aide of an unwritten mediocre-at-best Off-Broadway musical because he “believes” in his girlfriend’s judgement.

The Outer Critic awards take place in a small dining room with about 25 guests. Oh, and while we’re at it: you can pick up a dead person’s tickets and use them for your friends at the Tony’s.

Shows and major decisions made about them are influenced entirely by whom is sleeping with whom, because everyone cares about that.

You can add a new number to the show between matinee and evening, and have a complete new set and costumes ready to go for that performance.

Nobody uses body mics, there is no backstage crew, and there is no tech rehearsal necessary to make it just happen. Probably because the new director took care of all of that himself.

If you cast the right people in the leads, everything else will happen by itself. (That is only true in community theater).

If you need a really really really really really big movie star to play your lead on Broadway, bring in Sean Hayes.

You can just fire the best performer in your show (Will Chase) because the book-writer slept with him and the book-writer thinks its a bad idea for him to stick around. The book-writer can bypass union rules to do so, because the book-writer is the most important person in your artistic staff.

Speaking of book and score writing: apparently the shows write themselves because the writers are too busy sleeping around and drinking wine at the local bar. The latter is pre-requisite to take over the role of director for a major multi-million dollar musical.

There are no musical directors on Broadway. Music rehearsals don’t take place, just performance quality scenes, and the Musical Director apparently only conducts the orchestra.

And the coolest thing I learned from Smash….when you win the Tony for Best Musical, you can bring your just-out-of-jail boyfriend on stage with you to accept the award.

SMASH is back, and its as infuriating as ever… February 8, 2013

Posted by ronannarbor in Entertainment, musical theater, Musicals, TV.
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Reviewed after screening the first three hours of the new season (NBC has telecast to the first two hours this week).

Well, Smash is back on NBC, and your like (or dislike) of the show will directly relate to a) your ability to tolerate Katharine McPhee, b) your enjoyment of musical theater as a whole, and c) your like/dislike of soap opera.

Here’s the good news — they’ve toned down the ridiculous interpersonal stories for Messing and her husband (even if it does mean we don’t get to see the excellent Brian D’Arcy James anymore this season) and sent their whining son off to boarding school. They’ve also gotten rid of the horrendous scheming plotline for Ellis (goodbye) and enigma Dev (goodbye).

The many Broadway actors that appear in the show, in cameos, in songs, in backgrounds continues to astound — witness Brynn O’Malley’s excellent little scene firing Jack Davenport. Fun, fierce, and Facebook-worthy.

They’ve also brought on the excellent Jennifer Hudson and Jeremy Jordan, and UM’s Andy Mientus to round out a new storyline. In the first three hours, the show absolutely comes to life when Hudson or Jordan sing — and crashes when the old McPhee/Hilty story comes into view.

And the show actually follows the development of a musical more this season, rather than the soap-opera-like antics of supporting characters. How will the money for the production be raised. How will media rumors hinder the development of “Bombshell”, the Marilyn musical (note to producers: Marilyn Monroe is not interesting, and the musical version already bombed on Broadway), and how will distractions of lawsuits and sexual harassment play into the development of the show.

Pasek and Paul (another feel-good UM success story!) provide some new songs that are a notch above the “everything in Bombshell sounds like it was cut from Hairspray” music of last season.

But that is where the good news ends. The show still depends on time-worn cliches more relevant to soap opera than to musical theater, and a lack of reality that is astonishing…that any single producer or artistic staff of any show anywhere would cast the lackluster McPhee in a lead role over the superb Megan Hilty is just television storytelling of the worst kind. The entire storyline rings false from top to bottom. And when you bring in a rising star like Jordan, why saddle it all down with a ridiculous badboy drug-addict subplot…and throw superstar Hudson into another mother (Dreamgirl Sheryl Lee ralph)/daughter conflict subplot. BLECH.

The musical numbers continue to be the shows highpoint — and they are better integrated into the plotline this season; but the ongoing use of near-public-domain pop songs rather than theater songs is disappointing and panders to the American Idol and Glee set.

I say put Bernadette Peters and Sheryl Lee Ralph into a room and let them duke it out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to see my Broadway folks at work…but I am not a fan of Smash, even though I watch it just to see what jawdropping disaster befalls the cast each week — like watching a train wreck, and enjoying it for what it is. Still, the show is a notch above most primetime soap-opera fare. But that is where it stands. Its not a comedy. Its not a drama. Its a bizarre mix of soap opera and musical theater. And that’s the view from here.

Bunheads on ABC Family is the real deal (Review) May 28, 2012

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Set your DVR for June 11th — thats when ABC Family begins airing their new show BUNHEADS — and based on the pilot episode, the show does everything right that SMASH does so wrong week after week.

Broadway’s Sutton Foster stars as a ex-ballerina/Broadway dancer now washed up Vegas Showgirl who impulsively weds a kind middle-aged man who is infatuated with her (Alan Ruck) and they move to his home in seaside Paradise California, where (surprise) he lives with his mother (Kelly Bishop).

Mamma runs a dance school, and is an ex-ballerina herself. The upper-level girls of the same school make up the teenage cast in this (kind of) family friendly show. Like a lot of the fare on ABC Family, it’s suitable for mid-teens and up, but not necessarily for pre-teens. And that’s all the setup you need to know. There’s a major surprise at the end of the otherwise upbeat first episode, and it clearly spells out the direction the show is going to take.

But what is striking here is the writing (storytelling is always a strongpoint for ABC Families original family drama shows). Within one episode, all the major characters, conflicts, wants, and desires of each of the main characters has been spelled out. The musical numbers serve to enhance the show, not detract from it, and its just right.

Opening with a Vegas number (ironically, “Jet Set” from “Catch Me If You Can” — a nod-to or a shot-across-the-bow for Marc Shaiman?), the performances are integrated fully into the script — showgirls dance….ballerinas dance…and in an exquisite sequence in which Sutton teaches a Broadway audition combo, is more humanly realistic than anything on SMASH has been all season.

There is a great cast of young teenage performers, but this is Sutton Foster’s show, make no doubt about that — from sassy showgirl (“I live next door to a hooker”) to fish-out-of-water bride (“Oh, how very Turning Point”).  Kelly Bishop plays a delightfully droll and insightful mother-in-law (“If we don’t find that tutu, we’ll have to cut Clara which will make us look ridiculous”) uncovering nuanced layers of her character even in the first episode. Alan Ruck plays a warm, kind, and love-besotten Hubble.

If you are interested in auditioning for Bunheads, the casting information is here: DO NOT READ THIS RELEASE unless you want to see some major spoilers about the first several episodes. Suffice it to say that they are particularly looking for female dancers over the age of 18 that can play 15-17. Filming in LA.

http://www.abcfamilyauditions.com/2012/04/abc-family-casting-actors-and-extras_30.html

Will America buy “Smash”? – NBC – Pilot episode (review) January 18, 2012

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Your going to love it or your going to hate it, but there isn’t anyone that will be able to say that SMASH isn’t slick, well-produced, and professional when it comes to musical numbers. It’s no GLEE (thankfully); but will America buy into a show about creating a Broadway show?

In the pilot episode, (to air February 6th), Debra Messing and Christian Borle play musical theater writers/composers/lyricists of a new Broadway musical based on the life of Marilyn Monroe. Those of us of a certain age will remember there actually WAS a Broadway flop musical in the 80’s called Marilyn: A Musical Fable (which Frank Rich called “incoherent to the point of being loony”). That flop is referenced here in passing by Messing’s husband, played by Brian d’Arcy James. He’s the biggest Broadway star in the show – here delegated to a thankless non-singing character.

WIthout having written a script, and with only a song to demo, they somehow get picked up by producer Anjelica Huston, who may or may not have enough money to produce the show. But she’s in it to get back at her in-process divorce from her husband, another Broadway producer. Within the first 15 minutes of the pilot, they suddenly have three songs and a draft of the script (um, yeah)….and by the midway point, they are auditioning director/choreographer Jack Davenport (yes, that Jack Davenport, who has yet to find a suitable role in any U.S. television show — someone please find this man a decent part!) – who is set up to be the antagonist opposite Borle’s writer/composer.

Bring on the auditions — Likable American Idol loser Katharine McPhee and “Wicked” veteran Megan Hilty step up to fill the bill as two actresses competing for the part of Marilyn. Throw in a subplot right out of Dynasty involving director Davenport, and you have the basic makings of SMASH.

The show is designed to follow the workshop development of the show in NYC over the course of the season, and in its climax this spring move to Boston for an out-of-town tryout.

Yes, the show is entertaining. The musical numbers are well-staged, and the use of fantasy sequences to suggest what rehearsal songs might look like “on stage” work well. There is a lot of dancing here, and it is professional and slick, the exact opposite of the haphazard GLEE sequences.

It’s also all overwrought and somehow wrong. Auditioners are not even given three bars of piano-accompanied audition when a full orchestra already sweeps in, as if to say “this is a really big budget show, kinda like Glee, but for adults, so listen and enjoy, and buy our soundtrack.”  I have never in my years of theater ever heard of a producer picking up a show based on one song, and no written script. While there is a casting couch at work on Broadway to be sure, it certainly doesn’t work the way its implied in this show either. Messing seems out of place, and Borle here is reduced to a sniping gay stereotype — so good in Legally Blonde and Angels in America on Broadway, here he’s wasted in a part that virtually falls apart before your eyes.

The show is filled with a virtual whose who of Broadway performers — so watch backgrounds carefully to spot your friends. Most are appearing as line-less studio assistants and errand-boys. A few get to dance and sing.

In short, it’s an entertaining pilot, that should keep theater folks arguing about realities vs exaggerations, while the rest of the country makes a decision as to whether a show about Broadway actors, producers, and creative teams will be interesting enough to viewers to keep this novelty going. I’m going to tune in again — albeit the next night since NBC has very unfortunately decided to put the show on opposite Castle and Hawaii-5-0. I suggest they move it pretty fast if they want to pick up a tv audience. I dunno about you, but most of my theater friends watch Castle at that time, and personally 5-0 has become a guilty pleasure. On Comcast, two shows at a time and that’s it — making no room even to DVR Smash…

A word of warning — if you download and view the pilot (free) on iTunes, please DO NOT watch the “coming season” trailer at the end of the pilot episode. If you watch it carefully, it gives away who will get the role, and how the show will develop. Don’t watch it – it’s already partially ruined it for me…if you want a nice insider snapshot of the show, read the Brian d’Arcy James interview on IMDB – he carefully describes what the development of a Broadway musical is really about, and very carefully avoids talking about the unrealistic elements depicted in Smash.

The show has already created a stir in the NYC Broadway community in forums such as All That Chat, where multithread topics discuss the lack of reality of the creation process depicted here, as well as the shear fact that only one of the auditioners for the Marilyn part is appropriate for the role and there is zero doubt who would get that part in reality. I repeat — DO NOT watch the coming season trailer which gives it away and will cause even more controversy when it is revealed a few episodes into the series.

Will America buy it? There are a lot of theater fans out there — if the show avoids the pitfalls of playing for personal drama instead of the inherent drama in the actual development of a show itself, it might stand a chance. But I bet with NBC’s track record this show will quickly veer off in the wrong direction.