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Funniest Television Quotes 2013 December 28, 2013

Posted by ronannarbor in TV.

So — here they are, in no particular order — my funniest tv quotes of 2013….

“I am an actor — I know everything there is to know about writing.” – Dont Trust the Bitch in apt 23

Lilly: ” I’m not paying 400 dollars for room service the hooker ordered”

Barney: “Ive been there” — HIMYM

“What? All of a sudden Christmas is about family??” — The Middle

“I asked her for a hand with a job…she misunderstood…so I went with it.” — The Crazy Ones

“If you can put that bulldozer back where you found it, we need you to suit up” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“He’s married? How could you tell? He doesn’t wear a ring and doesn’t look dead inside” — 2 Broke Girls

“What is Diaper Glossner doing here??”  – The Middle

“Okay, Dolphins, Is this a “we” activity or an “I” activity??”


“There, now we sound like dolphins” — Modern Family

“I’m sure you’ll make…well, a mother of some sort” — Once Upon a Time

“Oh my God, she’s on a flip phone — she’s either poor or she’s a time traveler” — The New Girl

“I’ve decided to give up the ladies for a bit”

“Ooh,well that’s bad news for anyone selling pepper spray” — Rules of Engagement

“Anyone can be professionally styled to look good in a photo — I’ve done it myself about ten times at the mall”. — The Mindy Project

“A change in mood is the number one symptom for everything….Parade Magazine had an article about it.” — The Middle

“I can’t lie to that face…you’re like a baby who shaves” — The Crazy Ones

“I love when you get angry…and I mean at others, not me” — Castle

“Pain is temporary, crying hurts you the rest of your life” — Back in the Game

“Switzerland has everything to offer except perhaps conversation…and one can learn to live without that” — Downton Abbey

“He’s a much better singer than a stalker, and he’s a pretty good stalker” — The Crazy Ones

“My body is very attracted to your body, but when you speak my brain gets angry” — The Mindy Project

“This is what happens when we drink…we sign up for stupid committees… or get Brick” — The Middle

“What do you say to a woman when you want to make love to her?”…”Do you accept checks?” — The Crazy Ones

“Sweets is taking a leave of absence because he feels he’s lost touch with his original motivation for being a Psychologist”
“I thought he was a Psychologist because he had sub-standard math skills” — Bones
“Have Fun in Hawaii”
“I’ll bring you back a plastic lei”
“I thought your mother was in Europe” — The Crazy Ones
“You talk like a jock, but your jock-walk’s a crock” — Super fun night
“The attackers are invisible? How cool!…um, but terrible” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D
“When you talk like that I am tempted to ring for Nanny and have you put straight to bed” — Downton Abbey
“Everyone hates their jobs, its why there are alcohol salesman…its the circle of life” — Back in the Game
“Indiana Jones is completely superfluous to the story — without him, the Nazi’s still find the ark, open it, and all die.” — Big Bang Theory
“Im sorry, I find it challenging to accessorize for a date to hell” — The Mindy Project
“Don’t you know what “sultry” means?”
“They’re models they don’t know what anything means” — The Crazy Ones
“You got a problem with Poppins, you have a problem with me” — Manny, Modern Family
“There can be too much truth in any relationship” — Downton Abbey
“Do you want to hear something interesting?’
“Not especially” — The Middle
“How do I get her to stop talking to me??”
“Marry her” — The Crazy Ones
“There’s a lot of hate between us.”
“Actually I quite fancy you from time to time when you’re not yelling at me” – Hook to Emma, Once Upon a Time
“If I get another ticket they are going to make me wear eyeglasses” — The New Girl
“Where can I get a new flip-phone”
“Um, let me think…Guatemala” — 2 Broke Girls
“Did you see my car?”
“Yeah, I bet its a real hooker-magnet” — Back in the Game

“You can’t teach how to write”

“Not True”

“And I say that as a writer”

“Also not true” — The New Girl


“I am not two timing…I’m one timing with two women” — The New girl

“I’m afraid that now when we have a real sharknado everyone’s going to treat it like a joke” — BJ Novak

“The water’s rising — I’m going to go up to the bridge and repel down” — Sharknado

“You, me, and my mom have got tickets to see Debbie Reynolds in Sugar Babies!” – The Middle

“Yellow pants for mothers day? Did anyone hear me say yellow pants?” — The Middle

“Oh, so now its snooping, wanting to know more about your family by looking through their personal things?” – Modern Family

Becket: Who is this guy?

Castle: I’m going to go with Government Assassin. — Castle

“Thank you Curious Cat, you get me” — The Middle

Axl: You are the worst mother ever!

Frankie: Oh, tell me something I don’t know. — The Middle

“I’m not good at big decisions”

“Are you sure you want to be a judge?” — HIMYM

“Better than most and Excellent are two different things” — Elementary

“I thought this was a hoedown, but if this is a drivers-license-down then I will just go somewhere else” — The Middle

“I’ve never known Sue Heck to give up after just 5 tries” — Rev Tim Tom, The Middle

“What are you doing, stalking me?”

“We prefer the term “Obsessive American” — Happy Endings

“Do you mind writing that offer on a small slip of paper and then sliding it to me like in a 80’s business movie?” — The Mindy Project

“Nobody settles things with tennis matches anymore — its not the 80’s”  – Happy Endings

“I never thought I’d be on a tv show where nobody was yelling ‘You’re not the father!'” — 2 Broke Girls

“They cant just cancel a season on a cliffhanger…Firefly followed it up with a movie…Buffy and the Vampire Slayer followed it up with comic books…Heroes lowered the quality season by season so we were just greatful it ended” — Big Bang theory

“Keeping Portland weird” — Grimm

“You’ve heard of Doctors Without Borders — well we were Nurses Without Credentials” — 2 Broke Girls

“I assume he didn’t start stripping as a child”

“Well, at least not professionally” — Bones

“Jason Bourne called…he says he remembers more things than you” – Happy Endings

“We hooked up once…and then only twice…and then one more time” — The Mindy Project

“We’ll go when we’re good and ready…which is now because I’ve been ready to go for quite some time” — Happy Endings

“You’re awfully salty about that….” — The New Girl

“Redheads in particular can be skittish” – Suburgatory

“They were just two kids doing Shakespeare in the park and each other in the parking lot” — Happy Endings

“The only thing that scares me more than snakes is warewolves, and fortunately they are only in Europe” — Cougar Town

“I can imagine us, one day, being friend-like…” Tessa to Dahlia, Suburgatory

“I’m not controlling…I’m aggressively helpful” — Happy Endings

“in Poland, this is the time of year that the snow melts and all our dead relatives float back to us” — Two Broke Girls

“Lots of things blow up in your face…that’s part of being a woman” — Two Broke Girls

“Please don’t overdose…if your not famous, its just sad” — Whitney

“When you see the future, there is irony everywhere” — Rumplestilskin, Once Upon a Time

“You should definitely tell that story when you host The White Trash awards” — Cougar Town

“Who knew Marty was such a fan of powders?…and now, ironically, he himself is a powder” — Suburgatory

“Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis — direct quote, Scott Caan” – The New Girl

“That’s what family is — people who hate you but can’t kill you because they’ll be the first ones questioned” — 2 Broke Girls

“Wow, she’s kind of a monster, but she gave me free stuff, so I’m torn” — 2 Broke GIrls

“My dear you flatter me, which is just as it should be” — Downton Abbey

“Plus the cast of Prometheus will explain what the heck was going on there” – Seth MacFarlane, The Academy Awards

My secret admirer requested me to wear a hat with a feather in it…I’m like, “which one” — Manny, Modern Family

“I’ve been tied up in bed, and not in the good way.” — Hook, Once Upon a Time

“That was nice making people feel bad about themselves, if even for a few minutes”…CougarTown

Amy: “You’re a coward”

Sheldon: “Well, the evidence would support that.” — The Big Bang Theory

“Damnit, Bradley, why can’t you do this? You went to drama camp for Christ sakes”…Bradley, The Middle

“Look at us, we’re like ‘Homeland’ if it was a rom-com” — The New Girl

“He’s like my dad mixed with my mom mixed with my other dads” — Whitney

“I both hate you and want to be you. This is Ryan Gosling all over again” – Big Bang Theory

“Older members of the Academy are having trouble submitting their Oscar votes this year because for the first time they are voting online. The good news is that Les Miz has gotten a lot of votes for best Picture; the bad news is, most of them were typed into a microwave” — Jimmy Fallon Late Night

“Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown bag over my face, and when the alcohol is all gone I feel much better” — Ellen

“Hold on, hold on…who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen?” — 2 Broke Girls

“Dad, we have to go to the mall”

“The Lincoln Memorialy one, or the real one?” — 1600 Penn

“Shy? You told him I’m shy? I’m not shy! If anything, I’m “stoic” — The Middle

“If this works, I can repopulate it with has-beens and sell it to Fox…BeachHouse!”  — The New Normal

“That’s the murder victim’s body guard!…she’s net very good at her work” — Castle

“Is this couch a pod, cause we, sir, are two peas in it”  – Don’t Trust the B

“I’m sorry I say a lot of things I don’t really mean – like “Ill pay you back” or “I’m good to drive” — Happy Endings

“If you are going to start to compare wands and hammers, I can’t even take you guys seriously” — The Big Bang Theory

“Morons don’t get enough respect” — AFV

“Why the heck would you need water when we have orange and purple Fanta right here?” — The New Normal

Laurie: Matthew McConaughey plays the same guy in every movie.

Grayson: McConaughaters gotta hate ….. Cougar Town

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