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Funniest TV quotes of 2014 December 22, 2014

Posted by ronannarbor in TV.

As usual, my disclaimer is that I have not seen every single tv show on this year though I manage to catch all the “biggies” — here in no particular order is my annual compilation of the funniest tv quotes of the year for 2014….

“Every girl in New York needs a gay best friend, and apparently so does my husband” — Manhattan Love Story


“If you can’t see it from space it ain’t worth doing” — The Great Christmas Light Fight


“I didn’t go to Vermont…its far and I’m not a lesbian” — 2 Broke Girls


“I’m working on this recommendation for Dr. Lahiri and I wonder if you know any adjectives besides the word Indian” — The Mindy Project


“We have to settle this King Moonracer business” – The Middle


“Don’t act weird…just act normal…only a little bit better” — The Middle


“You’re acting like a crazy spinster and I didn’t expect that from you for another two years” – The Mindy Project


“At a certain age you have to stop being enthused by life” — The Middle


“That’s a magical Christmas coin — I hand them out to people who might otherwise have a crappy Christmas” — Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever


“Baby, I love you, and I’m also somewhat ashamed of you” — Marry Me


“Write that sentence down, and hand it to your therapist” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


“I’m sweating like Shia LaBeouf at a DUI checkpoint” – 2 Broke Girls

“We have children, flying, a dog, and Christopher Walken….what could go wrong? — Christian Borle, The Making of NBC’s Peter Pan


“It is so confusing and yet so you!” —  Sue to Brad, The Middle


“Ugh, I don’t believe that horoscope stuff…you’re going to be rich, you’re going to be famous…not one says you’re going to be a 75 year old cashier” — 2 Broke Girls


“And you wonder why I have no ladies maid, and no butler” — Downton Abbey


“I know how much you loved it when I had a full head of hair”

“When we got married you had 4 more hairs than you do now, this is not a surprise to me” — Modern Family


“I heard your truck pull up, but I’m not sure I want to accept your package anymore” — 2 Broke Girls


“I found success because of my boundless talent” — Castle


“I want to thank your boyfriend Andrew for encouraging me to grieve in my own way so I did a bunch of shrooms…so now you’re going to have to deliver the eulogy” — A to Z


“I thought this was the key to his heart…but apparently he made duplicates” – The Middle


“This is Chicago not…wait…I can’t think of anything colder than Chicago” — Marry Me


“He needs to know Sup” — Selfie


“I mean, come on, I blame my dads…hey, they named me after a musical” — Annie, Marry Me


Penny: “Nobody says they hate you to your face”

Amy: “You and I have led such different lives!” — The Big Bang Theory


“I can not go back to England, I’ve forgotten all the words” — The Mindy Project


“She doesn’t like me because I have a perfectly symmetrical face and hair like Ariel” — Selfie


“Principles are like prayers; noble of course, but awkward at a party” – Downton Abbey


“Sue, we know how calendars work”

“Apparently we don’t” — The Middle


“Why are we bothering with this? Just move her to a bell tower in Paris and call it a day” – The Middle


“They’re pornographers…but they’re also a family” — The New GIrl


“I’m wearing my Google glasses…I am looking at you but I am also ordering Tapioca Pudding on Amazon” — 2 Broke Girls


“Yeah, that’s why he’s a billionaire, because he knows when and how to be an asshole…if you’re not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes” — Silicon Valley


“You are like a parfait of dysfunction” –Bad Teacher


“Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between depression and being Swedish” — Welcome to Sweden


“Emma, I’d like to show you my backstage area sometime” — Gene Simmons, Welcome to Sweden


“there’s a lot of sharks up there, still” — Sharknado 2: The Second One


“We’re looking at sharks falling at up to 2 feet an hour until they swim off northeast” — Sharknado II


“just keep walking if you don’t give a crap” (girl keeps walking)…Undateable


“I’m a rollerblade dancer…I used to be a hair dresser and I just didn’t like it” —Juan Carlos,  America’s Got Talent


“We’re going to be fine…we have a great name, a great team, and a great logo” –Silicon Valley


“Well, that’s new” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


“You missed a wild party last night — there must have been 12 girls there, it was crazy!” – Silicon Valley


Justin: “Friends are not someone who are supposed to lie for each other, they are supposed to help make each other better people”

Danny: “I am going to ask you something and I want you to be 100% honest with me — are you a Care Bear?” — Undateable


“There’s no way I can beat you and your incredible tap legs” — The Middle


“It stirs such complex emotions I can’t put it into words…so I made up my own word to describe it…”awwww-Blech!!” — Cougar Town


“We need to do what any animal in nature does when it’s cornered; act erratically and blindly lash out at everything around us” — Silicon Valley


“Rides are more fun than I thought! It turns out they are filled with signs, and they are all in different fonts!” — Brick, The Middle at WDW


“You two exhaust me” – Lily referring to Cam and Mitchell, Modern Family


“Marriages fail because of poor communication, and poorness, and sexy assistants, and diminished returns, and letting yourself go, and GMO’s and HBO, and Catherine Zeta-Jones” — Dalia on Suburgatory


“Do you think Zuckerberg had any real-life experience when he was running Facebook at the age of 19? No, none…but he was such a tough negotiator that now all of his friends are suing him” — Silicon Valley


“Sadly, red leather jackets don’t come into vogue here until, well, ever” — Once Upon a Time


Tessa: “Why did you agree to let Dahlia be your Queen of Honor?”

Lisa: “Because she graciously volunteered to donate all the china, silverware, glassware and spirits”

Dahlia: “And also to perform “Suddenly Seymour…it’s in my range” — Suburgatory


“I will not be manipalated” — The Middle


“I once staged A Chorus Line on a subway platform when our company lost its space — I can make any space work” — Castle


“This is not a date, I’m inviting you over for dinner to thank you for helping me…do you like baloney sandwiches?”

“I do not”

“Then what the hell DO you like?” — The Mindy Project


“You seem so quiet…are you upset? Or are you just rebooting?” – The Big Bang Theory


“Oh my God…it’s like a cognac ad in here” – The Mindy Project


Brick: “Dad, you just don’t get it because you don’t have a creative job”

Mike: “You don’t either!” — The Middle


“Another time, another place…another guy, another girl”…2 Broke Girls


“With her grades, Dalia is better qualified for junior college…or the Bling Ring” — Suburgatory


“With the Xbox One I can control my entire entertainment system using voice commands…up until now, I’ve had to use Leonard” — The Big Bang Theory


“You can’t die — you have too much to live for. My birthday’s coming up. We haven’t even talked about what you’re going to get me” — The Mindy Project


“Poor thing, he’s always getting knocked out, isn’t he?” — Agents of SHIELD


“No good can come from examining your life” — The Middle


“Oh, wow, I would love to see that, but I am going to stay at home and not see that” — About a Boy


“Yup, it wouldn’t be prom if some poor Hecht didn’t end up going with Weird Ashley” — The Middle


“Ugh, I am such a slob…oh, I have been robbed!” — The Mindy Project


“Oh, Fred, can you believe how moist and drippy these cookies are?” — Suburgatory


“I heard you twice, the first time” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


“If I come out, will you shoot me? Because then I won’t come out” — Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.


“Mom, you were watching me make out? Ew, what are you, my Science teacher?” – Surviving Jack


“They’re the only thing worse than family…they’re other people’s family” — The Crazy Ones


“Why is this flask always empty? What do I have to do to get some melon liqueur in here?” — Josh Groban, The Crazy Ones


“Danny, why are your lips so scrumptious?”

“I don’t know, they just are…” — The Mindy Project


“So my girlfriend gave me this painting I don’t understand and said it explains everything”

“Ooh, I once broke up with a boyfriend with a sculpture”

“Did he understand it?”

“Well, I threw it at him, so I think he got the point.” — The Middle


“Who in the hell stuck a quarter in you?…Can you please stop talking??” — Surviving Jack


Snow White: “They are being turned into flying monkeys?”

Captain Hook: “They took on simian form with the added bonus of wings” — Once Upon a Time


“A ninja stole the murder weapon…oh yeah!” — Castle


“I don’t know what to say…”

“Nothing is a good option” — Cougar Town


“I guarantee to find you true love….but read your contracts because true love is not guaranteed” — Suburgatory


“How does my suit fit you better than me?

“Scissors” — Cougar Town


“We are going to Brady this situation right now” — The Middle


“I can’t go there because it doesn’t have wifi so I can’t check how many “likes” I am getting, and I don’t like not knowing how many “Likes” I’m getting.” — Suburgatory


“New York? How does she like it? Based on the t-shirts I’ve seen people really seem to love it” — Cougar Town


“Andy is either never around, which sucks, or he completely bails, which blows….so as a friend Andy either sucks or blows” — About a Boy


“Do you ever wonder who these people are? Where they are going? What their story is?”


“Good, me either.” — Cougar Town


“I just got back from Sundance…I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies” — Two Broke Girls


“He’s got his father’s eyes and his father’s boyfriend’s love of dance” — The Crazy Ones


“That’s just a story you use to pick up chicks…like “I’m a Russian Prince” or “That was a good story” — Two Broke Girls


“I’ve been lonely in my room,  a mirror will make me feel like I have a friend”

“Argh, your daughter is a Parakeet” — Modern Family


“This is the crappiest intervention anyone has thrown me…and I’ve had a few.” — Mom


“Alright…this is now officially…outstanding” — Castle


“The mascara is part of the mystique of Ice Dancing”

“They’re really bringing it…with the costumes…in this event”

“they were a bit off in synchronicity, and they were a bit slow in the transitions, but they were entertaining and that has to count for something” — Johnny Weir, Olympic commentary


“I think someone in the building died, because one day in the dumpster there were just clothes that fit me” – The New GIrl


“We learned a lot…I learned that if you’re really bad at doing something they will finally stop asking you to do it” — The Middle


“Can someone, who is not me, please go deal with that?” — The Mindy Project


“Nick, I never thought I’d say this, but, I need to be alone with Prince” — The New GIrl


“Embrace denial it will make you feel better…and when you turn 21 embrace beer” –The Middle


“How did she ever get you to do Yoga?”

“To be honest, I thought she said Yoda” — The Big Bang Theory


“It’s Science Academy…look no signs of athleticism or muscle definition”

“No marching in place, no IQ’s in double-digits”– The Agents of SHIELD


“I used to have an advice column in Poland. It was called “Don’t do that!” — Two Broke Girl


“As long as you’re a Pistons fan, the tap is off” — The New Girl


“I’m afraid your your mother is being even more of herself” — Suburgatory




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