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Forgotten Musicals: Legs Diamond October 13, 2020

Posted by ronannarbor in Broadway Musicals, musical theater, Musicals.
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Peter Allen and the cast of Legs Diamond in 1988 – photo by Martha Swope

In a new series on forgotten musicals – today’s first entry is Legs Diamond — the misbegotten Peter Allen musical. You can readily find the cast album (it was more afordable to record a show in the 80’s when it flopped but someone still ponied up the cash to record the show). While it was out of print for decades, it is now available in iTunes and elsewhere. 

On my birthday in 1989, I went to see Legs Diamond at the Mark Hellinger theater, now a church (in fact, the Nederlanders considered the show such a flop, as were most shows that played  at the massive but beautiful Hellinger, that they announced even before the show was cancelled that they would be off-loading the theater, which caused a minor ticket run on the show to try to save the theater itself). They lost and 31 years later it is still a church. I knew the reviews were terrible (Frank Rich considered the evenings most palbable drama “Peter Allen wondering what to do with his hands”) but I love shows like that – often finding things that I love in them.

In this case, the show had much to love. Peter Allen, at the height of his popularity, had written a ego-project, starring himself, as real-life gangster Jack “Legs” Diamond. Never mind that Legs had been gunned down in his early 30’s, was virtually unknown as a gangster, and Allen was in his mid-40’s (and looked it) by the time the show opened. Never mind that Allen’s partner Greg had died 4 years earlier and some of the songs were clearly written as love songs to him. Never mind that he pulled several trunk songs out for cabaret singer Julie Wilson to perform that he had written for his ex-wife/beard’s mother twenty years earlier — but Judy Garland had the poor taste to die before recording any of them. Never mind that the entire gangster-who-liked-to-dance was ridiculous in the first place — or the fact that Peter Allen was a terrible dancer and a horrendous actor — there he was! Live on stage! In a brand new book musical (by Harvey Fierstien!).

He was the single most problematic part of the show — the book was decent (if not funny and rewritten and rewritten so many times the musical ended up having the longest pre-opening tryout on record — longer than the two month run of the show). The musical score was quite excellent. The cast album is one you can listen to over and over, and 5 of the songs, including one that had been cut, were incorporated in The Boy From Oz for Hugh Jackman. The costumes and set design were spectacular, and the hard working cast was uniformly excellent. It was a big, old-fashioned musical that was massive in size and right in tune with what audiences would normally want to see in a 5 million dollar budget musical.

But there was Allen, who by this point was widely known to be gay, had loyal followers from his always-sold-out Radio City extravaganzas, and was dying – both literally in life and figuratively on stage each night. (He  really died a few years afterwards). But here he was playing against his flamboyant stage personna in playing a quirky real-life gangster. As prievews progressed, so did the spangles and beads on his gangster suits to the point he looked ludicrous, but matched what his audiences expected. The show was given a happy ending, and everything else is history.

Allen wasn’t a strong singer, couldn’t act at all, and could barely dance. Performers were staged dancing around him while he sang center stage, or while being flown in — (actually it was a double but he never gave him credit) — he was unrecognizable as a gangster — but when he exploded in song, his audiences went wild. It’s the only show I can remember seeing before Wicked where audiences hooted and hollered after every major Allen number.  He was larger than life. His numbers with superstar Julie Wilson were the standouts in the show. 

Listening to the cast album you might be surprised by how many tunes you recognize – and you would have no concept of what this show actually looked like had you not seen it. You wouldn’t be aware of the adulating audiences, or chorus girls in gigantic champaigne glasses, or costumes with more feathers and sequins and glitter than actual clothing material, 

When the show closed in early February the show was guaranteed it would never be performed again by any professional or amateur theater company because all of the orchestrations disappeared. Sort of like Evita’s body – though they were never recovered. 

A few years ago, a theater company in LA had the orchestrations rewritten meticulously by musicians listening to the cast album – the only remaining record. The show has subsequently been performed in concert version by several other groups. But there is nothing that compared to seeing Peter Allen (!!!) live on stage at the Mark Hellinger singing his own songs, romancing Julie Wilson, and having the time of his life. That’s what happens when you have more money than you know what to do with it. And that was one of my happiest memories of seeing a show on my birthday. Legs Diamond was among the best of the 80’s bad musicals. And that is saying something. 

Hey, Halloween Fans! October 13, 2020

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Ann Arbor Civic Theatre and Dexter Community Players are presenting a Halloween Drive-Through event on October 30th and 31st at Domino Farm’s petting zoo! Performers in costume will present three “scenes” sure to make you smile – from zombies to teenagers and aliens invaders…with dance and song thrown in to make your Halloween grin come to life…

Ticket information will be forthcoming – but anyone who wants to participate – from performing, to dressing up, to helping backstage in some fun, socially-distanced “real theater” are invited to send in a volunteer form indicating your interest by midnight on October 14th. You’ll be assigned to scenes or tasks based on your forms.

The link to participate is here:

https://tinyurl.com/y3r5ryx9

You can find out more about the event here:

https://halloweendrive.net

Theatre Nova outdoor concert fundraiser CANCELLED July 22, 2020

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Cancelled! Because of the developments with C19 and social gatherings in Michigan SOUNDS OF SUMMER: An Open-Air Summer Concert Fundraiser for Theatre NOVA has been cancelled. Tickets will be refunded.

Donations to Theatre Nova can be made at www.TheatreNova.org. For more information, please email a2theatrenova@gmail.com.

Theatre NOVA is Ann Arbor’s resident professional theatre company. Its mission is to raise awareness of the value and excitement of new plays and playwrights and provide resources for playwrights to develop their craft by importing, exporting, and developing new work.

Magician Stuart MacDonald performs new online show to benefit the Croswell Opera House July 21, 2020

Posted by ronannarbor in Croswell Opera House, Magic.
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The last time illusionist Stuart MacDonald performed at the Croswell Opera House, he had just returned from the World Championships of Magic in South Korea and the theater was packed with fans.

With theaters closed across most of Michigan and social distancing guidelines in place for public gatherings, packed houses aren’t in the cards right now. But MacDonald still wanted a way to support his hometown theater, so he developed a new show that will take place entirely online.

MacDonald developed a completely new character for the one-hour show, which is titled “Richard Preston’s Cocktail Capers.” The premise? Mid-century entertainer Richard Preston, magician to the stars, was cryogenically frozen in 1962 so that he could entertain colonists in humankind’s first settlement on Mars in 2050. But with everything that’s gone wrong in 2020, getting the world through it in one piece will require the best of the best — so the governments of the world voted unanimously to thaw him early.

“He’s performing his show, just like he did on his 1958-62 world tour,” MacDonald said, explaining the premise. “The only difference is the setting. It’s a cocktail party with Richard Preston as your host and party magician.” 

MacDonald describes the character as “a cross between Forrest Gump and Austin Powers” — an entertainer who has crossed paths with everyone from JFK to Elvis to Marilyn Monroe and influenced some of the twentieth century’s most notable events.

The show is also interactive, giving ticket buyers the chance to take part in the magic and even perform tricks themselves.

MacDonald, an Adrian native now living in Kalamazoo, has performed around the world, including shows in Greece, South Korea, Italy, Spain, China and the United Kingdom. In 2017 he was a guest on the TV series “Penn & Teller: Fool Us.” He was able to stump the legendary duo and later performed with them in Las Vegas.

The show will take place via Zoom. Previews are at 7:30 p.m. July 23, 24 and 25, and tickets are $40 per household. After the preview weekend, tickets will be $50. Performances will be on weekends, July 30 through Aug. 16, with Thursday, Friday and Saturday shows at 7:30 p.m. and Sunday shows at 2:30 p.m. 

“For the price of two tickets to the typical Croswell show, you can enjoy a one-of-a-kind experience and also support the theater,” said Croswell artistic director Jere Righter.

Ticket buyers will need to have an internet-connected computer with a webcam; phones are not recommended. To get the full experience, guests will want to have a deck of cards and a glass of water handy.

The show is directed by John MacNaughton.

Tickets and more information are available at croswell.org/cocktailcapers
==Photo credit: Dana du Jour Photography

Croswell Opera House cancels remaining summer/early fall musicals – plans outdoor and special events July 3, 2020

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The Croswell Opera House has announced several changes to its summer and fall schedule due to the ongoing Coronavirus situation. Three previously scheduled shows are being canceled or postponed, and a number of outdoor and online events are taking their place.

The musicals “Holiday Inn,” “The Little Mermaid” and “Cabaret,” which had been scheduled for August, September and October, are coming off of the schedule. 

Instead, the Croswell is planning a variety of outdoor and online events, including:

  • “Every Brilliant Thing,” a one-woman play that was originally scheduled for April. This play will be performed in late July in the Farmers Market Pavilion on Toledo Street.
  • An outdoor concert series in the courtyard behind Adrian City Hall and the Adrian District Library.
  • An online magic show with Stuart MacDonald.
  • An outdoor fall concert with opera singer Leah Crocetto.

All of these events will comply with state and federal guidelines for crowd size and social distancing.

“Even though it’s disappointing to take shows off of our schedule, we’re excited about the things we’re planning instead,” said Jere Righter, the Croswell’s artistic director. “We’ve been getting creative and stretching our brains and coming up with new ways to do things, and I think people will enjoy what’s coming up.”

Even though Michigan’s Coronavirus numbers have improved, Righter said, the Croswell does not feel it would be responsible to plan full-scale musicals inside the theater at this point.

“Michigan has gotten this situation under control better than almost any other state, and we feel good about that,” Righter said. “But we’re not at the next phase of reopening yet, and what’s happening right now in states like Texas and Florida also gives us cause for concern.”

Theaters in southern Michigan still cannot be open, and theaters in northern Michigan are operating at 25 percent of their capacities.

An additional complication is that most Croswell shows rehearse for six to eight weeks, and auditions need to take place about three months before opening night.

“The health of our volunteer performers is our top priority, and we aren’t to a point where we feel we can rehearse safely,” Righter said.

Even if the situation improves by fall, Righter said, the Croswell’s production schedule requires making choices well in advance of planned show dates.

“With so much uncertainty, we can’t afford to start working on these shows knowing there is a strong chance they would get canceled later on,” she said. “Every show is a major investment in both time and money, so we need to make these decisions early.”

The theater is still hoping to present the classic country act Branson on the Road in early November, the musical “A Christmas Story” starting Thanksgiving weekend, and Under the Streetlamp’s “Hip to the Holidays” concert a few days before Christmas.

The Croswell also announced this week that all gift certificates and house credits with a 2020 expiration date will be extended through the end of 2021.People with tickets to “Holiday Inn,” “The Little Mermaid” and “Cabaret” will be contacted by email about their options. Anyone with questions can email tickets@croswell.org or call 517-264-7469 and leave a voicemail.

What’s On? Updated 08/06/20 June 20, 2020

Posted by ronannarbor in Theatre.
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In these unprecedented times, the Ann Arbor theater circle faces ongoing shutdowns and cancellation of performances and events. Here’s the most updated information I have been able to gather for the immediate Ann Arbor area and surrounding communities. Keep in mind that theaters and other arts organizations depend on donations even when shows are fully open, so needed now more than ever. Consider a donation to your favorite theater group today.

Ann Arbor Civic Theatre — all performances cancelled through March 2021

Michigan Shakespeare Festival – cancelled through summer 2021

Encore Musical Theatre Company – closed until further notice, outdoor concerts TBA

Dio Theatre and Dining – closed until further notice

Theatre Nova – closed until further notice

Dexter Community Players – shows postponed until further notice

Saline Area Players – shows currently postponed

Chelsea Area Players – currently on hold

Penny Seats – moved all shows to 2021 beginning in July

Pinckney Players – closed until further notice

Ann Arbor Musical Theater Works – closed until Fall 2021

Arbor Opera Theater – Currently on hold

Roustabout Theater Troup – Postponed to Fall 2021

Neighborhood Theater Group – all performances postponed

PTD – all shows postponed until 2021

Pointless Brewery and Theatre – stage and taproom closed, occasional curbside pickup

Purple Rose – Closed until further notice

Spotlight Players Canton – Closed until further notice

Croswell Opera House – All summer/fall musicals canceled, special events TBA

CATS is weird, but CATS is CATS, and the dancing is outstanding. And I didn’t hate it. December 20, 2019

Posted by ronannarbor in Broadway Musicals, Movies, musical theater, Musicals, Uncategorized.
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It’s very rare that I write a review that totally seems to contradict the mainstream movie critics, but this review of CATS is one of them.

Not that it’s a good movie — but it’s a very solid adaptation/interpretation of the stage musical. If you do not love musical theater, then for God’s sake stay away from this Andrew Lloyd Webber atrocity. But if you do love musical theater, and especially if you love dance, you will find very much to admire in this movie – complete with a sure-fire Oscar nomination for Jennifer Hudson, whose “Memory” is simply stunning.

Let me acknowledge up front that I love the stage musical and saw it many times in its original Broadway run, on the West End (faithfully captured for video and streaming at BroadwayHD), the revival with its many UM Musical Theater grads, and on tour. I might have even performed Mungojerrie at one point along the line (evidence is classified). 

The show has always been problematic – but one thing that was never problematic either then or now was that the musical brought dance back to musical theater – something only rare productions (A Chorus Line, 42nd Street) were doing at the time. Then along came CATS with its popular score, and its weird mix of ballet, tap, jazz, modern Broadway dance, with a touch of British music hall thrown in. It was an instant hit and ran for years.

Let me get this out of the way – Tom Hopper was the absolutely wrong choice to direct this movie, though I suppose it would not have gotten the green light if a name like Hopper had not been attached. His use of closeups when we should be in full stage, and weird sweeps toward the performers rather than away from them is distracting and wrong for this script.

And the CGI is distracting and terrible – though not as terrible as in the original teaser trailers. Still, it’s enough that you want to pull your hair out at times. It might have been less eerie if they had costumed most of the cast, rather than putting CGI fur on their entire bodies. Believe me, Robbie Fairchild and Idris Elba would have still looked like hunks even in costumes. 

Sure there is star power — a lot of it — and each gets featured in their own number. Already mentioned are Jennifer Hudson and Idris Elba, but there are empathic Judi Dench and Ian McKellen, pop-centric but fitting right in Taylor Swift, and funny James Cordon and Rebel Wilson — there’s no trick casting here – they are all good in their stereotypical roles, and there are no Les Miserables type embarrassments in the vocal/acting departments. Cats has never been sublte. Why settle for actors that are subtle?

But where the show explodes is in its dance numbers. Robbie Fairchild and Francesca Hayward are ballet dancers that are a joy to watch – Laurie Davidson is great as Mr Mistoffelees, Steven McRae is outstanding doing his tap number for Skimbleshanks. Danny Collins and Naomhi Morgan are great as Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. 

The score is also beautifully reorchestrated and lush. It “sounds” Broadway and less tinny than the original West End arrangements.

Andy Blankenbuehler (Hamilton, In the Heights, Bandstand) takes a look at the original choreograpy and expands it with strong hiphop and ballet woven into its dance tapestry. It just works. 

I suggest we all take a step back and forget about the weird and unnecessary CGI fur and sets, and remember that this is a damn musical about people playing CATS for two hours. Seriously, What do you expect? But let’s not take a step back from something Hopper has well-continued here from the original…you do not forget throughout that these are people doing incredible work – vocally, and particularly in dance. And that is the way this show was designed. You are not supposed to think, for an instant, that these are real cats. And that is where the CGI goes wrong and errs on the “real cats” look. Its a mark of people not believing in their material. 

Hey, really, I would much rather rewatch the stage production on BroadwayHD any day. But I am not going to lambast this work for something some critics are making out to be a disaster.

It is far from a disaster. It’s CATS. Now and forever. (Ugh). 

Outstanding The Addams Family at Osceola Arts (Review – Kissimmee, FL) October 5, 2019

Posted by ronannarbor in musical theater, Musicals, Uncategorized.
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There’s a stunning production of The Addams Family musical at Osceola Arts running through October 13th. 

I’m going to be honest, I was skeptical prior to arrival (except of course for the excellent word of mouth the show has been getting around Orlando) but I have seen this musical in different theaters over the past few years probably ten times (in addition to the original Broadway production and it’s tour). None of those productions fully captured the magic of the Broadway production until this one at Osceola Arts.

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Beutifully directed by Dominic Del Brocco, the show flies along at excellent pace, with outstanding comic timing throughout. Leads and ensemble are excellent. It helps that this production limits the Addams Ancestors to a group of 7 (11 on Broadway, and usually dozens in other school and community productions) so that each of them has something important to do. 

Kim Cole’s choreography is interesting and crisply performed – there isn’t a missed beat in this cast. Morticia’s numbers are particularly well done. 

Ah, Morticia! Mahalia Gronigan is the quintessential Morticia Addams – acting, dancing, singing. Sometimes she need do nothing but make the look — you know, that Morticia look — and the laughs are already flowing. Yan Diaz is hilarious as Gomez, and he carries the bulk of the evening’s slapstick and songs. His scenes together with Mahalia are musical theatre perfection. Grace Gustino is a great Wednesday Addams and Christopher Robinson turns in a strong performance as her boyfriend Lucas. Elijah Gragg and Sarah Marshall are terrific as his uptight parents. Supporting parts are all strong, played by Garrett Williams, Cindy Barnum, and Michael Lupo. A particular favorite of mine in this production was Pugsley, (played by a high school student rather than the usual child actor) Logan Clinger who brought both an unexpected vulnerability but also twisted adult knowingness to his role. 

The Addams Ancestors were tightly performed and danced by Parker Bradford, Joey Green, Sean Hancock, Lauren Hutchinsonm Samantha Kestenbaum, Corinne Posner, and Hannah Zwemer. 

Everything plays out on a superb set designed by Cliff Price — his multi-tiered set works perfectly for the production, is filled with eye-popping detail, and helps make everything flow well on stage. It all looks and feels, well, Addams-y.

This is top-tier work by all involved and even if you have seen the show before, it is highly worth a visit to this loonyness performed and produced better than you have seen it anywhere else. 

Very highest recommendation.

The Addams Family continues at Osceola Arts, through October 13th, 2411 E Irlo Bronson Memorial Hwy, Kissimmee, FL 34744 – tickets: OsceolaArts.org

Broadway reviews: Electrifying HADESTOWN, Fun BE MORE CHILL, Divisive OKLAHOMA! March 24, 2019

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Note that Be More Chill has opened, Hadestown and Oklahoma! are still in previews, though both are transfers to Broadway, the former from the West End, the latter from an Off-Broadway run at St Ann’s Warehouse last year.

HADESTOWN, at the Walter Kerr Theatre, is quite simply the most electrifying musical I have seen since the original Spring Awakening in 2006. It’s exactly what you would expect from the creators of Natasha and Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 but it actually has more in common with Spring Awakening, A group of denizens of a New Orleans jazz club tell the interwoven stories of Greek mythology’s Orpheus and Eurydice, and Hades and Persephone. If you know your mythology, you know how it plays out (kind of). If you don’t you probably should NOT go read up on them, because part of the journey is learning the story as you go. The remarkable cast plays out the story on a gorgeous multi-turntable-elevator set (at one point entirely disassembling) and it contains one memorable stage picture after another. The score blends pop, jazz, rock, Broadway, alt-rock, and blues. 

But it is about much more than that — it’s about finding your artistic identity; taking chances despite the risks; trusting others while believing in yourself, and most of all, it is about how the history of story telling can convey real human emotion whether that is in ancient times, or the very real present. It’s about why we have told those stories for thousands of years, and how they still resonate today. 

Reeve Carney and Eva Noblezada play the younger lovers, and Patrick Page and Amber Gray (amazing) the elder part-time pair. André de Shields narrates and takes the part of Hermes. There are three Fates, a kind of Pointer Sisters trio of singers/guides, and a five member Greek Chorus (though the orchestra also joins in from time to time.)

By the time Orpheus descends into the underground to rescue his beloved Eurydice, the show increasingly integrates lighting design and set design with story and music to create a fully immersive musical that is visceral. You feel the energy pulsate to the music as it builds, and there were stunned gasps at several critical moments – because the audience is fully along for this journey and so in-tune with the feelings that you can’t help but recognize yourself in these 2600 year old Greek gods. And that’s a miracle in itself.

I can’t see anything else opening this season that will beat Hadestown in almost any category at awards time. Music, Lyrics and Book by Anaïs Mitchell, Developed and Directed by Rachel Chavkin. Very Highest Recommendation.

BE MORE CHILL opened at the Lyceum Theatre after a successful off-Broadway run. This is the show that went viral among high school and college theater kids from the original album and YouTube videos. “Michael in the Bathroom” has become a standard audition song for boys character parts. Don’t know the story? What if thre was a pill you could take that made you instantly “cool”. Yeah, that’s basically it. And there is very little “chill” here – it’s a frenetic, fast-paced, sometimes slapped-together-feeling musical about high school’s travails, horrors, and triumphs. It is also a lot of fun, and the older audience members around me enjoyed it as much as their teenagers who they were stuck paying 149.00 a ticket for. 

Seriously, I don’t know if there is much more that I can say about it. The show is funny, cleverly staged in primary colors, and Joe Iconis’s tuneful but unremarkable songs are sold by a terrific but interchangeable cast. I’m not sure how long it’s primarily high-school age target-market will keep this show running, so see it now if you want to. You will have fun. I liked it and thought it was better than I had expected.

High Schools are already permitted to perform the show (and have been for two years) and as these things go, it’s not the strongest high school show either. But it’s a cleaner alternative to Heathers and Grease, so I suppose it wll run its course, probably sooner rather than later. In short, this is a off-Broadway musical that has somehow made it to Broadway, but probably would do better in the long-run back off-Broadway.

Finally on this trip, there was Daniel Fish’s brilliant but divisive OKLAHOMA! at Circle in the Square. There is no way to soft-soap this one: audiences will either love or hate this experimental street-theater take on Rodgers and Hammerstein’s 1943 musical. Fish has said he wants modern audiences to “hear” the dialogue, and the lyrics, and to interpret it in a new way.

The idea here is that the audience members are guests at a box social, where the story plays out on a stage filled with tables with picnic fixins on them. At times they are incorporated into the blocking (Will Parker lies on a table at one point, fanning the lid of a chili pot at Ado Annie). At another, the female cast shuck corn in a hilarious sequence.  There are long portions where lights do not go down at all in the thrust theater; and others where dialogue is delivered in blackout for minutes at a time. There is video woven in, mostly facial close-ups. And Dream Laurie is danced by a young black woman in a silver oversized t-shirt that reads Dream BABY Dream. The entire ballet “story” is lost in the modern dance and really, except for a lot of prancing and preening, and some terrific athleticism, there is zero correlation to the story and it is also the only place in the show where the music dissolves into screeches of electric guitar that obscure the melody line. This sequence is by far the most controversial of the reinterpretations made by Fish. 

This is not Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Oklahoma. This is Daniel Fish’s Oklahoma, and it is dark, brooding, ominous, and ultimately very bloody. (Gone are the subtler knives used in the original, replaced by guns throughout).  This hyper-realism will either rock your boat, or you will leave at intermission. (My performance had numerous walk-outs during the break – while the rest of us ate vegan chili and cornbread on stage). 

The cast is stripped down to 12. The orchestra is reduced to 7 pieces and while it has a “country bluegrass” sort of sound to it, it does not change any of the actual songs, lyrics, dialogue, or underscores. The tonal change makes it feel more natural, and strangely, just as lush. The cast is diverse racially and Ado Annie is played by an actress in a wheel chair.

Performances range from exceptional to wooden, although that is not the fault of the remarkable cast, but rather their staging. This is a production that feels very much “directed” but the cast are game and play their parts with skill and talent. Even when they sometimes sit around in chairs, not interacting with each other. Or play guitar while they sing. Or do a big upbeat finale while dressed in blood-splattered wedding clothes. 

Never dull, I sat riveted, completely appreciating what Fish is doing with the piece. At the same time, I wished I was seeing a standard version of the show. Though to be fair, I probably wouldn’t have bought tickets to a standard revival of the musical – and I think that proves Fish’s point right there. Theater educators and those who enjoy fresh takes on shows should make it a point to see the show You will either love it or hate it, but you will never be bored at this production. Daniel Fish is brilliant – though his work isn’t for everyone.

The Polar Express is the worst Christmas movie ever. December 22, 2018

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“I may be just an old railroader but”…The Polar Express movie (2004) is one of the worst Christmas movies ever.

1. The CGI, while relatively good for the train and the scenery, is horrible with faces. As a result, the people all look, well, creepy. Tom Hanks and Josh Hutcherson notwithstanding, its frigging terrible.

2. Those elves! OMG! Talk about creepy. “I’ll take care of this…truuuust me”. Gives me shivvers every time I hear that creature-elf say that to Billy then he rips the box out of his hands.

3. The songs. Believe is a lovely Christmas song. It put Josh Groban on the map nationally. But the soaring and repetitive score doesn’t match the action at all.

4. Santa! What the heck is wrong with Santa! He looks like he melted somewhere along the way.

6. That strange “Santa Claus is coming to Town” sung by the elves. No, really, it’s the strangest thing ever. 

7. Billy’s animation. He’s always in the background moving his head around like he doesn’t have a good view. 

8. Obnoxious Good Girl. Enough said. Talk about “know it alls”. 

9. Know-It-All-Kid is the only one that really gets what’s going on – and they treat him like the antagonist??

10. “The FIrst GIft of Christmas” — a bell. Really? Rich self-entitled kid from Grand Rapids only wants a bell? What the hell?

11. The whole story. Train conductor lures children onto a train in the middle of the night to go to the North Pole? Want some hot chocolate little boy?

12. Hot hot hot chocolate. Where the heck did these waiters all come from? Never seen again and clearly not onboard the train when they are walking end to end. Um, did they just jump off the train? Did the conductor push them off?

13. I believe the girl saying “I didn’t do it” before I believe those creepy elves sitting in judgement. Everyone is the worst. Never trust an elf.

14. A train would never glide on ice like that – it would just tip over and kill everyone on board.

15. That train keeps changing sizes. Sometimes it has 10 cars. Sometimes, 6. Sometimes 3. Whatever.

16. Learn, Count on, Lead, Believe. Ha! Hahahahahaha. What are they teaching these kids? It’s nothing I need know. 

17. Don’t eat blue snow.