Funniest TV Quotes 2015

As usual, my disclaimer: I have not seen every single tv show in the world!…But these are my favorite funny quotes of the year from the shows that I DO watch…


“Im calling double BS — I haven’t called double BS since the “cleared history” dispute of 2012” — Marry Me




“We have more people coming to our door than a moderately attractive hooker at Comic Con” – 2 Broke Girls


“Who threw my painting in the toilet? (pointing at moat)” – Galavant

“He went into ‘The Enchanted Forest’ and never came out”
“Um, the other way around” — Galavant 



“I love that you’re alive – that is one of my favorite things about you” – The Muppets 


‘It’s not fair…the people who never go crowd out the people who sometimes go…We’re going to end up in the second overflow room…it’s church jail” – The Middle


“If there was a list of things that made me more comfortable, “Lists” would be on the top of that list” — The Big Bang Theory


“I think you’ve said everything you wanted to say, and maybe a few things you didn’t” – The Muppets


“Wait a minute, Im getting outta here to take care of desperately not wanting to be here” – The Librarians


“They broke up two months ago. His partner Jamarkus got all of his friends, and Raymond got all the confidence to go shopping in his pajamas” — Modern Family


“Whenever I hear anyone sing like that I suffer a headache from a severe medical condition I have called “ears” — Undateable


‘it’s why I left England…it reminded me too much of her…cold, gloomy, and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel” – The Big Bang Theory


“Miss Piggy does not intimidate me…In Wild, I did my own walking…so…” – Reese Witherspoon, The Muppets


“What is this, Downtown (sic) Abbey?” — The Middle


“I didn’t fight in two wars to tell my daughter what to do…you tell her for me” — Life in Pieces


“She crazy” — Modern Family


“Let’s face it. We played sex chicken and lost.” — The Middle


“We’ve only been roommates for one week and I have already befouled your kitchen” — Sleepy Hollow


“How very Miss Havisham” — Zoo

“We are like parental beater-cars.” – The Middle


“I can’t believe I am saying this for only the second time in 7 years of marriage, but please put the gun down” — Modern Family

“Can you do your job overseas?” — Life in Pieces
“I once saw her lift a piano to get a half-eaten Moon Pie” – The Muppets
“What is wrong with this family?”
“That is not a question we are going to delve into tonight” – The Middle
“I don’t want to burden you with my problems, but I think I have outgrown my boat” – Modern Family 
“I wish your mother would shove a sandwich into my pants” — Life in Pieces


“Does it ever get cold on the moral highground?” – Downton Abbey


“From this moment forward you shall be my work-husband” – Kevin from Work


“You make my life a bacon-wrapped hell on Earth” –The Muppets


“I could have saved him” — Sharknado 3


“Bitter Party of One, Bitter Party of One” — Descendents


“Trust me…once you let go of hope, it’s very freeing” –The Middle


“This is Palo Alto…People go crazy about people who smoke…we don’t enjoy the freedoms you do in China…where people smoke all the time” — Silicon Valley


“God bless America, and its magnificent Broadcasting Company”  – The Muppets, on ABC


“Just let it be…and let it be not in our house” — The Middle


“Athlete of the Month? What? Was it a written test? Cause that has been discussed.” — The Middle


“Did this Hooli phone piss off anyone else?”
“Is it Vista bad? Zune Bad? Apple Maps bad?” — Silicon Valley



“As much as it scares me to go into international cuisine I have to say chop suey intrigues me” — Sue Hecht on career choices…The Middle


“I bit my tongue because in this family they think I’m a Columbian hothead, which is crazy because a Columbian hothead is when you set somebody’s head on fire. Smells terrible, but it sends a message” — Modern Family


“Shit no, I’m not afraid of the lawsuit. I have three nannies suing me right now, one for no reason” — Silicon Valley


Frankie — “Give me a minute she feels insignificant”
Mike — “We all do!” — The Middle



“The Year of Sue is turning into the Year of Suck” — The Middle


“Oh my God, that’s a 500 dollar bottle of wine…that’s like 100 bottles of your wine” — Modern Family


Wedding Dress Clerk: “That dress is one of a kind”
Caroline (relieved): “Oh, so you only have one?”
Wedding Dress Clerk: “No, we have two” — 2 Broke Girls



“My gaydar is very sensitive — in fact, I need to move it away from you right away before it explodes” — Modern Family


“Great party — the only think that would make it better would be if Batman made an appearance, but I heard Batman’s mother made him return the costume” —The Middle


“Bro’s disclose…bro him back!” — Silicon Valley


“Are you feeling well? Do you need protein?” – Silicon Valley


“I said we had to meet clandestinely…instead I see you brought the entire Charming softball team, and their Pirate mascot” — Once Upon a Time


“Looks like someone had an appointment at the Angry Salon for a mad-icure” – The Middle


“Life’s a journey….no flash photography” – The Middle


“If you are brewing tea, don’t bother – your stuffed animals called and said they can’t make the party” – Undateable


“Do we have to keep every remote we’ve ever owned?” [presses button]…Somewhere in a landfill a laserdisc just ejected.” -Modern Family



“This is worse than the class-hamster hostage standoff” – Cougar Town

“What’s going on with you? We already have one weird kid, that slot is filled” — The Middle
“Cruella Deville”
“Nobody calls me that here”
“Cruella Feinberg doesn’t have the same ring to it” – Once Upon a Time
Manny: “I promise to bring back the bike”
Girl on Street: “Aww, that’s what you said about my mom’s humidifier” — Modern Family
“This is my margarita pool”
“Oh, do you swim in it?”
“I swim in it, I drink it…there’s really no wrong way to use a margarita pool” – Last Man on Earth
“Your outfit is perfect if you are applying to lumberjack school…and majoring in having your cats eat you when you die” — Modern Family
“How does she breast feed him if she doesn’t let him near plastic?” Modern Family
“And these awards are presented to you for, well, let’s call it work” – 2 Broke Girls
“What do you think of the baby name Fimonique?”
“Um, closer, but no.” — The Mindy Project



“Why are you running behind me? Are you trying to run away from that body spray you have on?”

“It’s McConaughey by McConaughey for Men” — The Middle


“I’ve never seen Andy this sad…he looks like a cross between my childhood Saint Bernards and a Cuban Eeyore” – Cougar Town


“I raised two fully competent children”

“do you have two children I haven’t met?” Modern Family


“I threaten to quit every week and you never gave me a going away party…except for a couple times” — The Mindy Project


“I’m a stay-at-home mom with a full-time nanny…I get up to stuff” — Cougar Town


“Your secret is safe-ish with me” – The Mindy Project


“I’ve been television cheating for years…Kevin likes to ask questions while we’re watching tv, and I like not beating him with a hammer when he does so” — Marry Me


“Lets leave him alone and see what he can become…he’s in his 30’s so probably nothing” — Mindy Project


“Gal, can I call you Gal?”

“Well, I don’t love it”

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Sorry, I don’t always listen when you talk” — Galavant


“Okay, let’s go save that jumper”

“Too late, he’s dead”

“Okay let’s go get a hotdog” –Marry Me


“Someone is framing the Western Dragons…see, the things that pop out of my mouth don’t even bother me anymore” — The Librarians


“Maybe Your Not the Worst Thing Ever” — Galavant song


“There’s a version in here in which you don’t have to be angry at me because I am so angry at myself” – Marry Me


“How long should I wait to accept a friend request?”

“Oh, you should jump on that, it could have been a mistake” — The Middle

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