Mostly Musical Theatre

The Polar Express is the worst Christmas movie ever. December 22, 2018

“I may be just an old railroader but”…The Polar Express movie (2004) is one of the worst Christmas movies ever.

1. The CGI, while relatively good for the train and the scenery, is horrible with faces. As a result, the people all look, well, creepy. Tom Hanks and Josh Hutcherson notwithstanding, its frigging terrible.

2. Those elves! OMG! Talk about creepy. “I’ll take care of this…truuuust me”. Gives me shivvers every time I hear that creature-elf say that to Billy then he rips the box out of his hands.

3. The songs. Believe is a lovely Christmas song. It put Josh Groban on the map nationally. But the soaring and repetitive score doesn’t match the action at all.

4. Santa! What the heck is wrong with Santa! He looks like he melted somewhere along the way.

6. That strange “Santa Claus is coming to Town” sung by the elves. No, really, it’s the strangest thing ever. 

7. Billy’s animation. He’s always in the background moving his head around like he doesn’t have a good view. 

8. Obnoxious Good Girl. Enough said. Talk about “know it alls”. 

9. Know-It-All-Kid is the only one that really gets what’s going on – and they treat him like the antagonist??

10. “The FIrst GIft of Christmas” — a bell. Really? Rich self-entitled kid from Grand Rapids only wants a bell? What the hell?

11. The whole story. Train conductor lures children onto a train in the middle of the night to go to the North Pole? Want some hot chocolate little boy?

12. Hot hot hot chocolate. Where the heck did these waiters all come from? Never seen again and clearly not onboard the train when they are walking end to end. Um, did they just jump off the train? Did the conductor push them off?

13. I believe the girl saying “I didn’t do it” before I believe those creepy elves sitting in judgement. Everyone is the worst. Never trust an elf.

14. A train would never glide on ice like that – it would just tip over and kill everyone on board.

15. That train keeps changing sizes. Sometimes it has 10 cars. Sometimes, 6. Sometimes 3. Whatever.

16. Learn, Count on, Lead, Believe. Ha! Hahahahahaha. What are they teaching these kids? It’s nothing I need know. 

17. Don’t eat blue snow.